Note to self: Hi, Susan Rice, this is Susan Rice, writing to you, myself, me, on the last day of the Presidential Administration of Barack Hussein Obama, the legend, the hero, the immaculate ONE. Well, actually, he’s not President anymore, because it’s 12:15 on January 20, so that orange-faced bastard who we spent the last 8 months wiretap….er, opposing, is now technically the president. For now. We’ll see how long he lasts.
Anywayyyyyys, I’ve never done this before, but I just thought today, my last day on the job, would be a very neat time to start writing notes to myself like this one. You know, to memorialize my thoughts, just random thoughts about, oh, whatever random thing happens to randomly come into my mind. You, know, just the silliest little random things, like that time Valerie Jarrett and I helped load that 1.6 billion in cash on board that big jet headed for Iran. Hee-hee, was that fun or what? Wait, erase that. We’re not supposed to talk about it. And anyway, The ONE never had anything to do with that – no knowledge whatsoever. Well, he did tell us that one time that, if we were ever going to secretly happen to accidentally, for no reason at all, send 1.6 billion dollars in various foreign currencies to the Mullahs in Iran, that we were supposed to do it “by the book.” His exact words. From The ONE, I’m sayin’.
Anywayyyyyyys, so many silly little things come to mind, you know, like that Lois Lerner weaponizing the IRS against those nasty Tea Party people. She’s such a pill, that Lois. Oh, and The ONE never knew anything at all about that one, if anybody’s reading this. No way, nope, uh-uh. Not a chance. He always told Lois to do everything “by the book.” Exact words. For posterity. He didn’t even know her name – would just say “hey, there goes ol’ By The Book” whenever he happened to see her on the 350 times or so she just stumbled into the Oval Office accidentally for no reason at all. Yep.
Anywayyyyyyys…Oh, and that Eric Holder and his little ‘Fast and Furious’ gun running thing. Pfffft. That was peanuts compared to some of the other stuff, but it got all the news just because a couple dozen people or so just happened to get killed. But Eric, oh, he did everything by the book. Because Barack told him so. “Do it by the book, Eric,” that’s what The ONE always told Eric whenever he had civil unrest to foment anywhere in the country. “By the book.” Exact words. You should’ve seen the look Eric gave him when he told him that right before he took off for Ferguson to get things really stirred up out there. Eric was all like, “Which book, Barack?” and The ONE was all like, “Whichever book you think works best out there – I hear Farrakhan has written a couple of good ones.” Oh, that Barack – he could be a riot (literally and figuratively) when he really wanted to.
Anywayyyyyys, another thing that just happens to come to mind for no reason at all that anyone could ever think of is Hillary. Oh, that Hillary. What a Secretary of State she was! You know that secret email server of hers? Barack didn’t know anything about that one, no sir. Why, I was there, in the Oval Office, when he looked Hillary directly in the eye and said, “Hillary, if you have plans to set up an illegal email server in the bathroom of some random contractor’s home in Denver and use it to illegally transmit classified information in your emails so that Huma Abedin can forward them to her pervert husband Carlos Danger to print out copies of them and give them to Huma so she can bring them to you because you think you just gotta have paper copies of every damn thing, you do it by the book, you hear?” Yep, uh-huh, that’s what The ONE said. His exact words: “By the book.” I think he even put an exclamation point on that one. The man was serious, I’m sayin’.
Anywayyyyyys, Hillary was always getting into some kind of trouble or other. Like that whole Uranium One thing? Barack didn’t know anything about that one, no sir. But he did tell her – I was right there, in the Oval Office when he said it – he said, “Hillary, if you’re planning to make, oh, I don’t know, $150 million or so secretly selling 20% of our country’s uranium reserves to those damn Russians, you do it by the book, understand?” Yep, that’s what he told her: “By the book.” No exclamation point on that one, because I don’t think he really expected her to actually do that one. Sort of a surprise there, even for The ONE.
Anywayyyyyys, I’m running out of time here, Susan, me, my own self, the Secret Service guys are pounding on my locked office door, so what else might randomly come to mind for no reason at all whatsoever? Oh, gosh, you know what else just randomly comes to mind for no reason at all whatsoever? That meeting on January 5. Yep, that one where The One, Barack Obama his own self sat right there in that meeting room with me and Comey and Sally Yates and Joe Biden and he told us, he said, “Look, when you’re dealing with that Orange bastard and his transition team, you do it by the book.” That’s right, uh-huh, that’s exactly what he told us, and nothing else. Not one word else. The One had nothing at all else to day in that specific meeting on January 5 other than that. He was strangely quiet, uh-huh. ‘Cuz you know, Barack’s a talker most of the time. But in that specific meeting on January 5, with me and Comey and Yates and Biden, why, that was all he had to say: “By the book.”
I have absolutely no idea why that specific meeting that took place 15 days ago just happened to come into my mind. Isn’t that funny? I’m always doing random and funny things for no reason at all.
Anywayyyyyys, this was fun. I wish I’d have thought to start doing it before the administration had technically ended. If I had, I could have told myself all about what Barack was really doing when Benghazi happened. Oh, well…
Best Regards to you, Susan Rice,
Signed, Susan Rice.